Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Eyesores soar at the Grand Canyon

I was talking with my brother today about the Grand Canyon Skywalk, you know, the glass floored "ride" where you walk out and look down. It is supposed to be like a helicopter ride that doesn't go anywhere. Exciting!

I put off visiting the Grand Canyon for about 10 years of my life in Arizona. My main problem was that all the pictures looked like open pit iron mines, and I'd seen enough. Finally I went to see it, and realized that there two big differences between the Hull-Rust mine and the Grand Canyon. The first difference is that the G.C. is has a river running through it, whereas the H.R. has a lake. The other major difference is that the H.R. is in MN and the G.C. is in AZ. So, I've seen both of the famous holes in this country and my money is on the bigger hole.

I have seven better ideas than the canyon skywalk:

1 Canyon Cannon, it has it all, views, danger and even alliteration! It would just be an old circus cannon with an optional parachute. Cheap, practical and fun for the whole family!

2 Grand Canyon "Clear View" Park and Ride, this is just as it sounds, you park your car on a glass parking lot that overhangs the G.C. then you hop on the shuttle that takes you to your hotel in Vegas or Flagstaff.

3 The Grand Canyon=Grand Slam Batting Chasm, again exactly as it sounds, you stand at the edge of the canyon and just swing away. The person with the best distance wins a donkey ride to the bottom to collect lost balls.

4 Condor Medic, this is actually a subset of the previous idea, but it is so unique and exciting that I thought it should be its own attraction. You have 1/2 hour of intensive training before you join your team of naturalists and activists on a mission to save condors beaned during batting practice. You will need to be fast on your feet to avoid being hit by the falling baseballs and rare California Condors.

5 Canyon Coffee & Cake Carousel, this has views, danger, refreshments, and more alliteration than any other Grand Canyon attraction to date! You sit in a cage with a 8 pound cake (with your choice of frosting and sprinkles) and an espresso machine and a large sponge. You are slowly lowered to the canyon floor to get your cup, or will you get too excited and pour the coffee into your sponge? It will be worth the cost just for the cake alone, the great views of dead donkeys condors and heaps of baseballs are just gravy!

6 Disposable Choppers, Helicopter tours are expensive but they don’t have to be. What makes helicopter rides cost so much? Experienced pilots, expensive equipment, fuel and maintenance. We eliminate all of these with disposable helicopters. Our helicopters will use vegatable oil powered chainsaw motors, props will be made of balsa wood and rice paper, the cabin is a 15 gallon plastic bucket (perfect for picking up baseballs you might find laying around after a crash). The whole package includes a map of the G.C., a repair manual, a first aid kit, and a great egg roll recipe, because there is nothing like real egg rolls, wrapped in rice paper and cooked up in a huge plastic bucket.

7 Standing on a Rock, Saving the best for last, and pulling out the big guns means waiting until item number seven to unleash the awesomeness of the sure-fire G.C. hit! For the price of admittance to the Grand Canyon you can look over the edge and see thousands of feet down. It is like standing on a giant glass patio and looking down, only there is no glass in the way. This is going to be so huge, I just hope I can figure out a way to get in on this National Park thing on the ground floor before too many people get the same idea.

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