The tale of Lucifractus

Once upon a time there was a 3 sided semi-opaque semi-translucent boy with a glowing spine. He was just opaque enough that you couldn’t see all of his internal organs (which were shiny and true). He was very refractive, more refractive than other semi-opaque things would normally be, for instance, a sandblasted prism would not be nearly as refractive as he. His refractiveness was highly coveted by black marketeers and there were many attempts made to capture him, lobotomize him and use him as a chandelier. But in his refractiveness was his cunning, plus he could run equally swiftly forwards, backwards and sideways, and he made many daring escapes. Sometimes he would pretend to be part of a chandelier (which is ironic, incase you didn’t notice). At other times he would pretend to be a neon sign, and had even earned the nickname “neon spine”. Due in part to his personal charm and to a great degree due to his ability to recharge glowing golf balls by resting them in his shirt collar he became something of a local celebrity. All of the 24 hour business men knew him due to his consistent presence and visibility on the nighttime courses. He was the first ever in all history to simultaneously hold the titles “Very Glowy” and “Highly Refractive” at the state fair. It was this renown for taking part in simple community activities that eventually landed him the opportunity to be on Jay Leno. But Lucifractus was a proud little fella, and decided that even though Jay’s head could easily support his weight, he would wait until he was invited as a proper guest. His personal integrity gained him even more prominence in his small town but he was never again asked to go anywhere or do anything by anyone outside of his small town again. He lived a simple life, became a bee keeper, and sold honey on the street corner. Many wondered how a life with so much sparkle and promise could have made such a nominal ripple in the fabric of the patchwork quilt of our lives. The easy answer is, that’s what always happens. Call it pride, modesty, artistic or personal integrity...

The moral of this story is, “If Jay Leno wants to wear you as a hat, just let him.”