A forensic look at evolution...

Lately I have been getting a lot of “enlightenment” from evolutants, these are guys who have evolved over a few millennia to develop massive egos. You’d think that coming from apes would make them a bit more wary of talking wildly to their superiors. But they look at it as a long string of promotions that somehow makes them better than those of us who haven’t seen a need to evolve. They point to the track record they have of getting huge promotions every few hundred thousand years. Some call these promotions “punctuated equilibrium” but If I have an employee that does nothing but forage for 200,000 years and then only moves when the food chain or a meteor “punctuates his equilibrium”, he’s getting sacked. Others insist that it is slow and steady evolution that wins the human race. But anybody is getting promoted if they plug away at the same old job for a few hundred thousands years. Eventually somebody will die, and you are the cool new protozoan on the block. Of course, a staying power promotion is nothing to brag about. I wouldn’t care if I was fast-tracked from amoeba to human in only 20 weeks on the job, I still wouldn’t brag about my humble beginnings. It just diminishes one’s credibility. It’s like when I was told that MENSA lowered their standards from the top 1% to the top 2% of IQ scores. Would you join a group of pseudo-smarties that keep shifting their standards? What if you were already part of that group? You wouldn’t go shouting about it, “look et me, me is part of a nashinol ‘tard club”. It would make you look like a stupid beast.

As for the move from amoeba to man, amoebas can live forever (they reproduce by splitting and essentially cloning themselves, the child is the parent, thus in a stable environment they never die), people die after a few years on the job, what kind of promotion would give you more cells and less life? Doesn’t seem like a promotion to me. I wouldn’t see a move from skinny general practitioner with an auto-renewable contract to fat brain surgeon who is just about to fold under a massive malpractice suit as a very good thing. Also, if more cells is a promotion, amoebas become trillions of identical cells pretty fast, plus, over the course of eternity they can be more cells than any dude can be in 70-80 years. Besides, I’m not counting, but those amoebas are still out in force doin’ their thing with no new job openings in sight.

My point with all of this is that if I had evolved, I wouldn’t be going around telling everybody. What is up with these “people”? I suppose that’s why these guys are so obsessed with their education. Resumés, diplomas, documentation, theses, all to get a job you could have had without all that extra work if you weren’t always yelling, “I’m a funny monkey!” all the time.

I’m a real man and a high school drop-out, I can say that proudly because I rejected a system created by “people” who keep their ancestors in cages to watch them throw poop and masturbate. I rejected that system on the first day of kindergarten (the first day I was introduced to it). It has all of the earmarks of a system designed by lower life forms that aspire to be real men.

They think that just because they can operate video equipment and televise their grub eating competitions that we’ll be impressed. Well it isn’t impressive to see humanoid life forms eating bugs and drinking blood because we expect more out of the animals who look like us. Try to get out there and live your life on your own merits, perhaps you can evolve gut osmosis that allows a six-pack of Bud Light to be placed on the belly and absorbed. Even though it is disgusting to drink, absorb, or become one in any way with Bud Light, I have to admit that I’d like to see more programming of that ilk on the tube. It is a bit tacky, but hey, that’s what you are.

What really gets me is, why do so many of these guys get into the sciences anyway? I’m just getting tired of hearing about how smart they are compared to their brother ape. I’m getting tired of hearing what great evolutionary employees they are due to their varied and extensive genetic pedigrees. If you have information just present the information, if you have skills and abilities just write me a bullet list. I don’t need need to hear how spider-grandmother helped your ancestors make fire, or that your uncle used to have gills, in fact, you can call it evolutionary bias, xenogenetic discrimination, heterophobia, or nepotism, you still aren’t getting hired by me monkey-boy!

Personally I don’t want to go to a doctor who might start beating on his chest mid exam or trying to eat ticks off my back, I would probably ask a duck-boy to do my taxes before I’d ask an ape-man to unlock the secrets of the universe, and I have no use for an employee that gets caught in a sneak attack by an ice-age every day before work.