Friday, December 21, 2007

Something in confidence...

I’ve been told many times in my life that I’m a genius. I’ve also been asked many times if I am a genius. Something that has happened even more often in my life is the question, “what’s your IQ?”

I (almost) invariably respond to the first, “so?” to the second, “yes, but so are you.” and to the third, “IQ tests don’t measure intelligence, they measure acquired knowledge in a very narrow frame of reference. They are somewhat more accurate at estimating the intelligence of a very young child, but in order to truly test intelligence they would have to teach you something you’ve never known before and measure how fast you could learn, retain and use that knowledge.”

A genius can be good at anything. A genius can be great at math, soap making, soup making, sheep milking, tooth grinding etcetera. Everyone has skills and abilities that could be considered genius. Some prefer not to use these, or are not self-aware enough to realize they have such qualities without focused intervention and guidance.

I am super awesomely hyper intelligent in many ways, but I think my intelligence is simply to counterbalance the fact that I cannot store items in memory very long. The chicken/egg of it is that I may have simply never felt a need for the ability to retain information because I could learn so fast. As I get older my learning slows and I’ve come to value memory more, but I think that my memory has been suffering as well. However, to me there is nothing wrong with a graceful aging and dumbing down. My real genius never rested in my intelligence anyway. What truly makes me a genius is just one ability, my confidence.

I have a supreme confidence that isn’t based on anything external. I’m reasonably certain that there is someone else out there who is as confident as me, but I’ve never met that person. There are people who walk with a cocky swagger or some other affectation that represents to many a type of “confidence” but the confidence shown in these cases is an illusion. This type of confidence is one of two things:

1) A great act by a person who knows that they can bluff their way into a position of group dominance by showing a larger than life attitude. It takes a certain amount of confidence to pull it off, but someone will eventually chip through it, and it might even get ugly.

2) A person who is only circumstantially confident. On top of the world for the moment and everything feels like it’s moving forward. This eventually ends, and the individual crashes to their natural level or even below that level. Of course, their true lack of confidence makes constant appearances whenever they perceive any threat to their position.

I’ve been shown in many ways that I have little power in this world, and even less money, yet people invariably think that I am both rich and powerful. Obviously, people who know me reasonably well don’t think those things, they think I’m a genius.

The relatively rare times in my life that I have done well financially haven’t changed me except to perhaps make me even less ambitious than I already was. I’m no slacker. I work hard and am very self-motivated, I just find it difficult to be motivated by anything other than myself. Money, I need it, but I find it impossible to get myself to want it. To me what carries real weight is my own opinion, not prevailing circumstances or opinions of others. A big reason for this is that the opinions of others are based on the opinions of others and the prevailing circumstances, while the prevailing circumstances are also based on these same opinions. It is all fabricated to keep the people with a lack of confidence (the vast majority of humankind) in their places. Since these elements feed on themselves the person who is starting things in motion rarely knows that they are at the forefront of the downfall of a society or even “civilization”.

Since these circumstances exist, they must have been put in place by people who lack confidence. A truly confident person (which would imply some level of intelligence) has no need for circumstances around him to be altered, as long as he remains the same he retains the only measure of control he can ever really have.

Now, you might say that a confident person has more control than that, they can use the strength of their character to influence others to do their will. Although it is true that a confident person “could” do this, that is a lower level of confidence than what I have. My confidence doesn’t allow me the luxury of manipulation, because I would prefer to allow people to think for themselves. I cannot say that I have NEVER controlled people and that I never will do it again. Certainly, I have accidentally changed peoples minds on numerous occasions. That’s the curse of confidence, no matter how much you try to do your own thing, you end up with followers. This makes you appear to be a leader, but you’re not. They are just sheep who follow you in the hopes that some of your essence will rub off on them.

Getting back to my opinions for a moment, they are great because they are amplified (not embellished) perspectives on the truth. They are facts plus 1. In short, my opinions are like having extra facts in your daily apportionment of factual data. There aren’t more facts, but it feels like more facts, because the facts are better. It’s like the difference between having a puppy and having a puppy that can travel through time, disrupting the continuity of its own existence, to become almost paradoxically cuddly.

Okay, I’m sorry, I originally had a great reason for starting this post, but I left for a while and forgot what the point was. This is a great demonstration of my poor memory, and to further demonstrate my confidence, I’m posting this on the blog right now, fully ready to not care if you read it or not.

Oh, hey, I just remembered. I was going to explain how my confidence has many exciting features that aren't showcased in others. First of all, sometimes my confidence gets a bit out of control and I think that I can challenge people who are much, bigger, stronger and crazier than me and convince them that my brains are stronger than their muscles and fists. Often it has worked and that shows that my confidence was stronger than their brains. Later, as I walk away "a winner" the fear creeps in and I realize how close I came to being brutalized or killed. When it doesn't work out, I generally don't feel a sense of fear, but am still ill at ease as I am lofted into the air, kicked in the crotch or punched in the stomach (rarely the face as the people who can't be overpowered by my strength of character are often focusing below the belt).

Generally, however, my confidence doesn't seem like confidence at all. Because I've had many times in my life where I have accidentally forced my will on people or frightened people with my inadvertent strength of character, I try to subdue my natural forcefulness as much as possible. I am even nervous about looking people in the eye because I don't want to frighten them. What often results from this is that people think I am the one who is uncertain or afraid when in reality I am just protecting them from the weight of their own terror. I don't mind that people think this. It would be great if we could all live lives of fact and understanding, but if we can't, I can forcefully subdue my own confidence for the safety and well-being of mankind. A great side-benefit is that I don't get slapped around too often these days.

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