Wednesday, June 6, 2007

School Violence WARNING *Contains School*

Being as I was constantly enveloped in unquantifiable splendor, the glow of my newly polished brass skullcap barely raised an inquisitive eyebrow. One day, I was just walking along and I fell to the floor and dinged my shiny new bean bucket. Well, I was so mad that I couldn’t do anything other than flap.

As I turned around, ready to use my swanlike neck to break the arms of my molester, who do I see but Chet Vargas, the biggest bully in school. Standing fourteen feet eight inches, I was dwarfed by his kneecaps. Chet just laughed. Little did he know the great strength in my whiplike neck. Snap! Snap! Snap! I chopped his legs out from under him (yes all three of them). Chad writhed on the floor panting and screaming in agony. Then I used my spork to gouge out one of his eyes and forced him to watch me with the other as I ate the one I had just removed. As I spit out the lense, I said, “you expect me to eat this lense? I don’t think so. I may eat everything from the point at which the optic nerve meets the back of the eye, all the way to the cornea, and I love the vitreous humor, not just because of the soft gelatinous consistency that makes for great snacking, but also because it is funny, but I am not eating lenses! Oh, humor, get it? It’s funny.”

Chet just groaned. I couldn’t be sure if he was groaning because of the physical pain or the mental anguish inflicted by my crass jocularity, so I sawed off one of his arms.

The rest of that day was a blur, but for such a bad start it surely must have ended up as one of my fondest memories.
It’s just as they say, revenge is always sweetest amongst your school memories.

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