Friday, June 22, 2007

My full resume cover letter:

Pre birth: Being in a womb as far back as I could remember was a bit confusing for me, especially since I could move around and even visit people. Of course, I couldn’t communicate with them because I was unable to use my lungs and hadn’t quite figured out how to kick out the proper signals. Fortunately I never heard a conversation that made me think, “oh, I really gotta get in on this”. Plus, everyone was muffled and I imagined that if I could speak, I too would be muffled.

During these long dull formative days, my thinking was along these lines, “I know that I have more potential, and I know there is more to life than this, one day I’ll climb out of this hell hole and see what’s on the other side”. One day I did just that, about a month before anyone expected. Immediate issues became readily apparent, too cold, too bright, doctors suck, I’m pretty sure thats not my family, am I even on the right planet? You know, the usual stuff. But there were some positives, a general sense of autonomy, leg stretchin’ time, actually that’s everything. The sense of autonomy was soon crushed, and leg stretching - as it turns out - wasn’t all I thought it could be.

Pre school: I really hated being a baby, being lower than a slug in mobility and as high as a god in comprehension were just two sides of my existence. Everything was pain, light was pain, sound was pain, and even thought had become pain. But thought was the only escape from the prison of my newness.

I had to change some of my plans after my move from fetus to child, partly because, even though I knew it wasn’t the case, I had sort of planned on being a fetus for the rest of my life. Not that I was unaware of my development, I was just a little new to planning. To be honest, I did have the impression that I had been a fetus for all eternity prior to my knowledge of this state, oddly, I cannot pinpoint when I developed this belief. Of course, for me, everything is a blur prior to when I was 1 year old.

My first scientific experiments were entirely based on my dreams. Such experiments as “do the things that are shaped like other things do the same things as those things?” and “do the same physical laws hold true in dreams and in reality?” were the topics of the time. The answers to both were “sometimes”. This may not seem like breakthrough research, but I had completed many such experiments by the time I was 2 years old. Unfortunately, I couldn’t (and didn’t have the desire to) write, and couldn’t get anyone to take dictation. I remember the important stuff though. Lizards aren’t wrenches, wrenches aren’t lizards, not all lizards are chameleons, wrenches can’t change colors, not all lizards can change colors, wrenches can come in different colors, we can’t afford fancy wrenches, all my tools are plastic, plastic tools are generally worthless, well, this list goes on and on, but you get the idea.

From about the time I reached two years of age I was plagued by dreams about my former lack of existence and my current distinct lack of omniscience. In my dreams I was somebody, in fact, I was sometimes everybody. We all kept our eyes on us. We could see us at all times. Dreams where almost everybody was me were very comforting, but when I would wake up again, I was just little ineffectual little me.

As for “potty” training, I will not describe all of the details of this experience, but I will say that as a newborn baby you are given many impractical evacuation procedures. Once you figure one of them out (even if it makes little sense such as the “crap in your pants and we’ll get that later” method) you move on to the next step and it becomes apparent that you’ve been wasting your valuable time and embarrassing yourself. Fortunately the devices and methods do get more reasonable. My mother claims that I was using a normal toilet at 1.5 years or earlier. I would have I’m sure, if I had been given the option, but I remember distinctly being 2.5 years old when I got my first “training toilet”. I also remember that it took me exactly one try to figure out how it worked. I must admit that I needed a brief explanation, but it was not a problem. It made real sense, the stuff you no longer want goes in the hole, I don’t need to carry it around anymore! Now, I was a bit disturbed to find out that the big porcelain thing next to the training toilet was yet another phase in this process. If someone would have just given me a boost at age 0, I could have foregone all the trauma associated with finding out that nobody in my family was interested in pushing the potty training envelope to new levels. I wouldn’t have to write this sad tell-all either.

Being a toddler is no better than being a baby, you get some mobility but that comes at a great price. One of the biggest problems is that your “cuteness” attracts people at first. Then when you try to avoid them they think you’re shy. It’s called “hate”, idiot! People hate it when a “toddler” has deemed them unfit companionship. They get really mad. Now, I wasn’t out to hurt anybody. But how long can you listen to obvious stupidity just because someone is older than you? I did it for years.

Schooling: After years of listening to idiots talk about being older I was finally 5 years old, I had been eagerly anticipating my first day in kindergarten. I foolishly thought school would be a place of learning. Imagine my shock when my “teacher” turned out to be one of the most ignorant turds I had met so far. I spent most of the year sitting in the closet as punishment for having standards, intelligence and morality. It didn’t help that kindergarten wasn’t a place of learning. My mom and sister stopped reading to me when I started kindergarten, so I had to teach myself to read. I hated reading, and before I taught myself I knew I would hate it, but I didn’t want to grow up to be an idiot like my teacher. Building blocks, nap time and drinking milk are not my idea of a well rounded education.

Just to make sure that you understand that I was trying my best to cooperate with this beast, I will share another embarrassing story. The teacher left us alone in the class and was gone for about 45 minutes. Leaving 20+ 5 year olds alone for that long is dumb, but she told all of us not to move from our seats. Well, other kids were running around, but if it wasn’t a blatant moral issue I was going to stick it out and wait. I peed my pants. When the teacher came back, she had the nerve to ask me why I didn’t go to the restroom. I just thought, "even blind obedience doesn’t work with this idiot". I was willing to put up with the shame of having been responsible for creating the class pee chair. And she just acted like listening to her was the problem. Of course, she was right, I knew she was an idiot. Why did I listen to her? Oh, well, all the kids were so stupid they lost track of the pee chair after a couple of weeks. Besides, I had learned a valuable lesson. Quit school as soon as possible.

On the job: After I quit high school I moved to Minneapolis, Minnesota and started working at industrial temporary services with the lowest of the low. In fact, we didn’t even get to enter in the front of the building. We had to go around the back and down 3 flights of basement stairs. People were too stoned to fill out the forms or too shaky to fill out the forms. Sometimes I’d come in and there would be no work for me, so I’d wait around until somebody started screaming twitching and vomiting because they didn’t get their fix in time. Then I would get the call. If only they had gotten their drugs the day before, I wouldn’t have been able to eat.

I worked at so many different companies, making balloons, potpourri, diet drinks, sorting mail, packaging beauty products, refurbishing cash registers and computers, and working on all manner of assembly lines. I worked in so many different buildings and industries that I have little recollection of what I have really done and who I met, but again I learned a valuable lesson. Everywhere I went, I was the standout. I stood out among all the temps of course. But I stood out among all of the other workers. It was a huge ego boost that allowed me to move on to bigger and better things. Since then, I’ve found that being in any environment with any group of people is an ego boost. At worst, I will be slightly better than the best person who has ever done my job. This is not to say that I could do absolutely anything better than anyone else. But I’ve either been better at convincing everybody else that I’m better at everything I have ever done or the natural perception that everyone invariably accepts is that I’m better at everything. Either way, you’ll be sure that I’m better than anyone else, and that’s all that really matters.

Inclosed you’ll find my resume detailing many technical and creative positions that I have held over the years. Some of which have included perks such as very expensive company cars, large offices and great respect.

I hope this is enough to convince you of the great blessings I could bring to your tapeworm farm. Looking forward to your response.


Darin said...

Thanks for playing with me. Please visit my thought patterns again soon.


Kevin said...


Sorry, no insightful comments, I just enjoyed your writing and it made me laugh and think.

Kevin said...

P.S. - I like the new lighter look to the site, though sitting here in the dark I am squinting.

Xymyl said...

I think you're thinking of the nothing educational blog. This blog has been this color since its inception.

Glad you're squinting though.

Ak-Man said...

Oh Boy!

This is some classic material, had me cracking up throughout! Well written and very intelligent.

The ending made reminded me that it was actually a covering letter! LOL . . . and the company perks LOL.

Serious business.