Legend of the Vomelette

Dale Perkins - retired hotel inspector - enjoyed nothing more than an extended stay at a bed and breakfast. He liked the casual atmosphere and the idea of waking up and having a meal with new friends almost every day. Indeed, it is the rare guest that is entirely standoffish at such an establishment. But Mr. Perkins had an odd and secret hobby, he was in search of the world's most obscenely disgusting naturally occurring omelette.

Being a hotel inspector, he had come close many times, but it always seemed forced. Hotel employees are often treated with little respect and will at times be tempted to add a little something special to a meal. He didn't want to find the worst omelette that could ever be made. A bad or even deadly omelette could be produced by anybody if they were upset enough. He simply wanted to observe in the wild, the worst omelette that could be found, free of malice or animus. Poetically, he wrote in his journal of "an omelette born of good but bent on evil".

There were times when the monotony of the search got to him, and while not directly saying, "make me a disgusting omelette", he would occasionally garnish his order with the words "add your own special touch" or "do something unexpected with it" or "do something crazy" or even "feel free to experiment wildly and insanely". Although he felt guilty about possibly tainting the integrity of his retirement project, there was really nothing to worry about. One inn keeper spit in the omelette, but the only disgusting thing about that was the slight taste of Listerine that made its way into the omelette. Other than that, there was an omelette that had grated shoe polish on it. That was it, from now on he was determined to let this omelette manifest itself naturally. He only hoped that he would live to see it.

Dale decided that a change of venue was in order. He simply wasn't getting the results he expected from these typical b&b's. His first foray into the underworld of the b&b's was an abysmal failure. He had chosen a b&b that actually advertised its proximity to the local brothel and blood bank. As he walked in, he chuckled when he saw the "check all firearms at door" sign. It was plain to see that this was no ordinary b&b. Yet, the place was clean and tidy, in fact it was by far the cleanest b&b he had ever been to. It was really an oasis in the concrete jungle.

The true test of this place was going to be the omelette. Dale came down stairs early to get a jump on the inn keepers. He thought that he could perhaps irritate them into making him a bad omelette, but when they came downstairs and saw him starting breakfast on his own, he didn't say the unspeakably rude things he wanted to say, he just said, "I'm sorry, I just got a bit crazy there for a second". They responded, "that's okay, we love it when the guests take the initiative". They added, "however, since we can't be sure that you perfectly followed our omelette hygiene chart..."

Yes indeed, this omelette was by far the best he had ever tried, even though he was eating it in the most sanitized setting imaginable. Finally, he had to ask the inn keepers why they advertised the fact that they were so close to the house of ill repute. They responded, "we did it because we didn't want to disappoint anyone, we believe in honesty in advertising".

Dale had eaten it all, omelettes that were too runny, too dry - even crispy, obnoxiously overflowing with salsa, omelettes with brown slices of avocado, omelettes with raw cucumber and pineapple, omelettes with way too much bacon (even though that is nearly impossible). There were no more towering omelette mountains to climb, and no omelette fords that needed to be waded across, nor were there any omelette volcanoes, oceans, rivers, or other metaphors that needed to be confronted in some illustrative way.

Mr. Perkins died before he ever found his elusive evil and/or deadly omelette. Or did he?

Yes, there are many who speculate that the final omelette eaten by Mr. Perkins was indeed the elusive Vomelette, and studies have been started to prove it. Using Mr Perkins copious notes they aim to re create every omelette experience he ever had and have a seven man and one woman control group eat this diet for the next 50 years until they come to the last omelette. At this point the three woman and two man variable group along with the 2 woman and 14 man secondary control group (which will have never eaten any eggs or egg products before) will all eat a lab created exact duplicate of his final omelette.

Of course, when conducting any type of controlled tests, it is important to take good notes and there has been considerable and heated debate as to whether that final omelette was made with imitation crab meat or imitation crap meat. It will only take 50 years to find out.

i was rain

Like a droplet in a dream
falling so fast that it feels like floating or even flying
I try to recapture the weightlessness
by laying on the roof and staring at the stars
but I’m afraid to climb the ladder at night
so I stay right here on the ground
in fact, I crawl
but for fear that someone might roll me over
I lay down
face down
with my
eyes closed
maybe I should
dig a hole

Reminders:

Milk
Butter
Bread
Fantasy is for suckers,
reality is a pain that never goes away,
even in death.
Not that I'm a masochist or even a pessimist.
I'm a multitasking realist who needs...
Organic Heirloom Tomatoes
Feta Cheese
Kalamata Olives
Something I can Kill Myself With
Razor Sharp Fettuccini?

Random things from years gone by..

Something I wrote several years ago. They are meaningful-less.


Lyphe Scentans

Welcome! Except your imminent defeat.
Visit the banana
Be my grapefruit
Tantalize the napkin fox
Reeds are teeth to mandy
We'll perform the "not with the knife dad" routine
They clap back in shocked amazement
There are tigers in my pants!
Will there ever be a wind of a dollar and change?
I like to ride the mice
Tennis is as tall as my eyebrow
TERIYAKI PHEN PHEN
I'm never going to kill the cat
Sylme rental plethoid
I detest your wilting arm
Degraded to airplane
Alarm is my gladys lamp
Ok your dime!
Indulge in fake lace
Restore gender bucket
the dimple was blue
my arm is left
cream of rope
razzle dazzle toilet bowl
keen as karp
telula carp
gym has been paint torn
stimulate the canopy!
refresh the pint at tomb land
quench my air hole
tease the resperator
glandular testimony refuted!
corpse alert!
I've been coloring your business cards
Qweep is my rasp of or for to tape
Rinse the lady
kelp is donated to keyman
report is my lollipop
green plywood
refoil the couch
you are still on fire
he is not on fire
the dog will choke when ready
i need lung density
i was stung by a be or not to bee
crane was the dinner in my heart
tonight we're killing tape with dread locked tight
tune in at elbow
never rely on wax
i can't see your lips
where did I leave the foam?
are you trigger around
cry for the tree of fire
my cat burned
dissolve in water
just add water
hot blooded badger alert
count me out
you are giant barbequed teeth
stereophonic rotisserie shovel
cranial tray of saltines
tigersticks are unfolding
rent drips from the lawn
doors that once were shut are now open to disease
enchanted lifestyles of margarine
today you are 61
I have a letter from the tornado
here is a memo from the asphalt distributor
telegram from murderer -- have accepted mace
blood was folded to the left on the arm
the hoax handed out tickets to carnival explosives
I'm the #1 contestant in a love contest sponsored by you!
face the man to mend the face he hands you
try to do your homework without the spoon
ok now land on mars
are you sure this is illegal?
count to ten and dismember
the rifle will be confiscated by the non-troll
you can't tell me what to say
you can't tall me what to say
you can't tell me which to sway
Sunroom can't be type-cast
are you all tired?
where did these subtle nuances come from?
be gentle, It's my last leg
are you sure this is wrong?
be careful to kick the dog before tripping
the moon dropped its groceries on steve
sparks flew into the dog
the rabbit was eaten by my sled
there were four attempts made by wednesday
is there any salt on this planet?!?!?
i left the door open on the wastebasket
I'd like you to meet stork, he's from wednesday
are you entered in the truck launch?
I've been watching you staple out the eyes on my photo
krill alert
are you 5?
I can't see through the axe
i'm sorry, did i blind you?
stop saying "cheese"
when two people love each other they are said to be "grapie"
are you entering this into the nut log?
I have a problem with your being correct.
I have an issue with you on the cover
are you entering this into the cheese log?
It's just staple love.
are you entering this into the rice cake?
I've just been fined 40 million percent!
I've just found 40 million percent!
I'm allergic to having my limbs cut off with spoons.
I'm allergic to eating liquid cake
I'm allergic to having my ribs removed
I break out when someone pours jail cells on me.
my cousin doesn't like getting killed.
you wouldn't know a bite if it bit you.
I'm licensed to relieve myself for the weekend
are you wintering near the equator?
no, I am a tray of unused cigars
will you allow me the pleasure of this knee surgery?
frankly my dear?
you are the only one with elastic legs on foam for me
are you near the electric warning dime?
can anyone spell the genus of that carrot?
are you sure I should fold the sandwich outward?
I have hidden my boring identity
you are the only secretary for me
you are the only legal secretary for me
you are the only convenience store clerk for me
you are the only mostly female convenience store clerk for me
bob?
you are the only crumb for me
you are the only quarter ounce portion of minced steak for me
are you a piece of orange flavored cornhusk sausage?
I said, are you going to eat that styrofoam?
are you sure about the pun award?
mom, dad, i think it's time you knew my awful secret for making rice
pudding!!
mom, dad, i think it's time you told me i'm not really adopted
fish, sock, i'm not really zorro
kite, lint, i'm not sure what your last name is
cork, tire iron, i am not eating any more cadmium
i reflect the ugly colors of the sun
i like the way your keys sparkle in your mouth
tents are for jumping in
i can't replace your smile
are you sure you hate trees?
i'm in your window
this is the wednesday shuffle
are you rocket powered?
cable and grease are on loan from the interior designer's lunch
hammer and thread
i kept this because it reminds me of yolk
the tire had three electric nipples
use the hammer to drill your way out
last time I was in a well i had the cheese puffs
there were ten reasons to eat the dog but this wasn't one of them
i can't tell where your head stops and your heart begins
i had the tricycle frozen until they find the pedal
i had my ant farm excavated to build a mall
i found many primitive foam tools
i rasp when my cable breaks
i stapled the gum to your wrist
will you teach me spend?
count to nub
are you really central park?
this is the way to feed the glowworm
are you a giant slab of concrete?
there was a lampshade in my eye.
premium mind will consult sewer face
that avalanche didn't pay
are you still trying to earwig that truncheon?
I can't live without tarpaper in my lap
ten percent less trees!
are you going to kill me now?
I'm seeing the back of someone's head for a while
i need a bucket spacer
you are not are is am
this does vonvern you
this does bonbern you
this does not concerb yoo
are you going to fly north today?
my pencil loves you
my rope likes steak
are you a red bus?
I am a tropical disease
Mmmm lumbar roll
Tetanus anyone?
The glass rolled down as my hair unfolded
I don't consider you to be insignificant to a very great degree
I lost my wallet in your mouth
The fur chipped off my leg
I licked the tree for a penny
Will you dance with this sample?
I've known all along that you were angle plated
The difference between you and me is the letter me
I don't know what to say but I can guess
All you ever do is salt the warthog
Can you identify the ant that bit you?
Can you identify the aunt that hit you?
Are you folding grapes?
What time was it?
The elephant is on fire
The elephant is under fire
Flames licked my elephant
A single tear
Applaud, for the density is reaching singularity
Steak!!!!!
Cranefly always hides the curvature
Dentist willl blink for the fire
Tree is my understudy
Can you tell when I'm lying?
Tell me a secret in the summer of love
You've been caught transplanting elephants
Abigail is the Wednesday sound
Wedding day is full of starch
I've got you included
Tent is my hammer tread trying to breathe
Will you ever be sound in your carapace?
We call it lunch with jelly
Are you stupid or is the shart folding on my neck?
What does it mean to be shlorkie?
Why do I always find myself shaving my ear?
Are there any unknown questions?
I laughed my arm up!
I haven't told you this yet!
Why are you teething?
Are we bleeding the right end?
I can't believe you because you are full of flowers
I've typed out a code in hammer language
Have you been counting the arteries in my hair?
Too many buddies
Carrot spleaning time!