Showing posts with label marketing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marketing. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Nimble Happy Sunshine Flowers

“Aren’t bunnies the best?” “Sure are.” “We are bunnies.” Thus went the conversations of Bunny Land. Each day scores of happy bunny topics were broached by the BCI or Bunny Chief Inquisitors.

The job of the BCI was one of great responsibility. It required poise, confidence, fluency in 64 languages, degrees in the interdisciplinary fields of both Chemical Engineer-leading and Chemical Cheerleading, and no history of fur matting.

Although not required, it was expected that the BCI candidate would have a good working knowledge of hair care products. Since almost every bunny in the world has been used for chemical or cheerleading testing, they generally know what hair care products burn their eyes. This universality of training in bunny society is one of the primary reasons that it isn’t even mentioned on the forms.

Bunnies of note have often speculated as to whether a bunny could achieve such a high-ranking position as BCI without having a comprehensive hair care research background and if so, what would happen. The consensus of opinion at the last HRS (Hopping Rodent Summit) was that it would have no positive or negative effect on the duties of the BCI. But the real question remained unanswered, “Could it happen? Could a bunny be elected with no hair product experience?”

The following is a paid advertisement:

Yes, there is nothing more enjoyable than acquiring your very own fluffy, cuddly bunny. As we all know, bunnies are the answer to all of our woes. They are happy, bouncy, quiet, and their poop is round. These are the key factors that have made bunnies such valuable members of almost every family in America. It doesn’t hurt that they wiggle their damn noses when they nibble on clover! I swear, some people have literally died from cute attacks after watching bunnies hop around and nibble on sprouts. This is why the bunny has been featured on the news so often recently. It seems a bit harsh to compare the cuteness of the bunny to the venom of a cobra, but at least they qualified it by making it clear that the comparison was to a spitting cobra. I get the spitting cobra analogy on one level anyway, a spitting cobra can blind its prey from several feet away and a bunny can blind its prey with cuteness from up to 80 yards away. So in that sense, I have to concede that bunnies are more dangerous. However, in most cases I still have to say that the comparisons are unfair.

Get one today!!! A bunny, not a cobra!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

the taste of money

Once there was a little man named Everybody. He got a job that took his money to a place called eternity. When he felt like reading, he would fold his hands to mime the opening of a book, but his hands were thin and brittle with poorly designed cover art. The title was a real attention getter though - The Story of our Hands by Everybody Smith. One day Everybody decided that it was time to put his money where his mouth was. Once the money was in the proximity of his mouth, he was able to taste its great power. It was akin to that of a very spicy Thai dish that starts out hot and builds in intensity until you are dribbling and sniffling. Oddly, Thai money doesn’t have the same effect at all. But neither does American food.

That one taste of money was all Everybody needed to motivate him to sell his manuscript.

The first publisher refused to publish the work because it was more than 40 percent digital, and the industry was already in a severe number crunch. The second publisher found the book very handy and suggested that it be used as a doorstop. The third publisher thumbed through the book in a sluggish manner before suggesting a new name, “Everybody’s Handbook”. Everybody in the room loved it, except Everybody. Everybody ran out with his book covering his face, leaving everybody shocked and confused.

While everybody was discussing the possibility of a digital book being published on a single set of human hands, Everybody wrung his hands, and then the phone rang. Everybody rushed back into the room and clumsily picked up the phone with his literal hands. It was yet another publisher asking Everybody to hand the book off to him so it could be developed into a children’s bedtime story called “Show of Hands”. However, everybody had to remind Everybody that they had intellectual property rights to his hands because the work was developed under contract to the place that took all his money. Everybody was crushed, but everybody was overjoyed that they had gotten the upper hand in the situation. There was only one thing Everybody could do, he called his older brother (a lawyer) to help him handle the situation. After days of negotiations, the dispute was resolved. The hands were published (with minor edits) under the title “The Manual”.

Also, our hero - who preferred to remain anonymous - penned his own work. He was able to catapult to success by using the name of his sibling who was more than happy to help. The finished work was entitled “Grasping Intellectual Property Rights in a Digital Age - by Everybody and his brother”. Don’t gag, that’s marketing.